


Dear Best Friend, I Love You

by Reids_Jello



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lee Felix-centric, M/M, Minor Hwang Hyunjin / Seo Changbin, POV Lee Felix, Suicide, Unrequited Love, hanahaki, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 08:33:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16215356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reids_Jello/pseuds/Reids_Jello
Summary: It was the little things that drew me to you, Changbin. From the way your eyes turned into crescent moons when you laughed to the way  your voice would deepen when you were nervous, or how you would constantly insist you are 'dark' even though i saw how light and pink your heart really was. Changbin you consumed my life at the beginning and all the way to the end





	Dear Best Friend, I Love You

Dear Best Friend,

 

We met when we were kids, Innocent to the world and what it meant to everyone else. 

 

 

Fast forward  decade and we were basically joint at the hip,  A friendship that some would envy. They say that a friendship that lasts longer than seven years, lasts a lifetime and I'm glad that was turning in our favor.

 

 

We were fifteen when I watched you get your first girlfriend. Changbin, You were so excited and so happy, so I mirrored it. I loved you so that's what friends do right? They support each other. Plus She was a great match for you too. You both enjoyed the same music, you both had similar tastes in a dark style, you both shared the qualities that each other were looking for. You made each other happy. . .it's a shame you only lasted two years. But she was moving abroad because of her father and it really was the best for both of you, and i’d be lying if there wasn't a sense of hope in my heart when i heard the news that you two were no longer.

 

We were seventeen when you came to my house during the early hours of the morning. You were crying because you liked both girls and boys and were scared. You didn’t need to worry because i love you all the same my darling.

 

We were seventeen when my friendly love for you turned into romantic love. Who couldn't love you? I obviously wasn't special enough to catch your eye. I was never that person to anyone.

 

We were seventeen when you got your first boyfriend. A boy taller than you (but who wasn't) who went by the name Hwang Hyunjin A happy, energetic boy who's smile and presence in general made them happy. He always made you smile in a way no one else could - a way I thought only I could, but I was incorrect. That night, I cried myself to sleep. The feeling of something growing in my lungs intensified that night and suddenly I was choking on the reminder that we would never be. Dark and beautiful Navy camellia petals covered in blood and saliva tumbled from my lips and into my trembling hand, tears poured out of my eyes when i was reminded of the time we were dancing together and you told me if i was a color i’d be Yellow, orange, and lavender. You then continued to call me a sunshine boy, who wore stars on his cheeks. I told you if you were a color you’d be Navy blue which i guess now you are… That night, I spent it next to the toilet.

 

We were seventeen when you slowly started to distance yourself from me inside  of school. It was understandable considering you were in a relationship with someone else now. He was older too, which meant you could barely see him in school in general unless you purposely sought him out. I'd see you in the hallways at school holding his hand, the pressure in my lungs only growing in pain as I choked on a cough.

 

We were eighteen when you stopped hanging out with me altogether. Your time was always occupied with Hyunjin and I wasn't mad even though I had the right to be. Most nights were spend of me looking through your Instagram of the photos you took with him. Flower petals once again fell from my trembling lips and into the toilet as a reminder that we could barely even call ourselves 'best friends' anymore. You had found a replacement for me and I wasn't mad. I wasn't going to hold onto someone who obviously didn't want to be my friend anymore. I did try to hang out with you, but I must've always caught you at the wrong times because you were practically living with Hyunjin now. He had already graduated in the middle of your relationship and was now living by himself. . .mostly.

 

I was eighteen when I was diagnosed with depression. My parents sent me to a therapist a week later in the hopes of mending my broken mind. When the therapist asked me general questions like if I had been in any relationships before I said no and instantly thought of you for some reason, your golden skin, jet black leather hair, and smoldering charcoal-but yet kind eyes, that thought only allowed violent coughs to rake through out  my body as I collapsed on myself and onto the cold, tiled floors. The therapist rushed to me just as thousands of petals were released onto the floor. My breath was labored and sounded like I had been smoking for the past twenty years, i bet you never knew you could do that to someone did you Binnie? She helped me to my feet and told me to get it removed. I told her no to which she countered with the simple question of 'why'. And I told her all about you, I told her with tears spilling from my eyes and she just listened. No other words besides maybe small sounds of understanding when i described how my heart shattered when i see you with him, none of this is your fault darling, it is mine. It’s my fault for letting my heart get caught in my throat and wanting more than hugs and eye smiles.

 

I was eighteen when I was forced into surgery to have the Hanahaki Byou removed from me. I was absent from school for about a week and you texted me. I could feel the feeling of pressure in my lungs once again and soon was choking on petals. Nurses rushed into my room because the increase in my heart monitor. They gave me a sympathetic look and scheduled me for another  surgery.

 

I was eighteen when I was told that the type of flower that was growing in my chest was a kind that couldn't be removed. The moment the doctors left, I stared at the ceiling as silent tears streamed down my face. I was going to die and there was nothing that could be done. The growth was slow though, so I had maybe two-four years left before I would die of suffocation. I was only sad about the fact that I could never see you again after I hit end on the timer that was my life.

 

 

I was twenty one when you invited me to be the best man at your wedding and for the first time in three years, I had another bad cough attack. I said yes and you cheered happily over the phone. You were to be married in less than four months. This news sealed the envelope that would be the last of my chances of having you as my lover. That night as I sit on my bathroom floor for the hundredth time, I decided to make a different part of my body bleed instead of my mouth.

 

 

I was twenty one when I watched you walk down the aisle. It wasn't a big wedding as homosexual weddings were not looked upon very nicely. It was mainly accepting family members and a few friends. It was cute and small and just what they wanted. I watched as you got to marry the person of your dreams whilst you're the person of mine. That day, I had to swallow the petals that desperately wanted to escape.

 

 

I was twenty one when I lay in my bathtub, a week after your wedding, in soaking wet clothes and with arms and legs covered in red lines varying in width and depth. It was that night when I called you up and told you that I loved you. You took it well and apologized. You had nothing to be sorry about my love!

 

 

I was twenty one when the growth in my chest had become too much for my body to handle. Fully bloomed camellia filled the bathtub. The water turned red from all the blood that I had lost in the process. I felt barely any pain that night. I died loving you. Thank you for showing me what love was even though you did not return it to me. Thank you for letting me love you.

 

Love,

Lee Felix.

 

**Author's Note:**

> remember to leave kudos!!


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